Blokes and Cleaning

A bloke will clean something when it's dirty. To repeat - when it's dirty. Not because it's Saturday, not because there's guests coming and NOT because it might have the latest new invisible microbes that the cleaning products companies have just made up to make the sheila go bananas.

Also a bloke can distinguish between Clean and Clean Enough whereas the Mrs is often not able to. Clean is what something is when you buy it and it's still wrapped in the plastic bag it came in from the sealed environment factory where lots of sheilas walk around all day with vacuum cleaners.
Clean Enough is after you've wiped something down with the clean part of your used underwear (generally the sides) prior to throwing them in the washing machine.
Special note: Being observed doing this changes the state from Clean Enough to Dirty - it's something to do with Heisenberg and observation.

Here's a small table which might help:

OBJECT CLEAN CLEAN ENOUGH
Car Washed, vacuumed, windows polished, tyres shined, rubber and plasticware polished. Been driven through a downpour in the last six weeks
Carpet Vacuumed at least once a week, more if "dirty", nothing laying around You put the lawnmower across it when it got hard to find things.
Bed Linen Washed at least once a week with fabric softenerm, aired after washing for a day, blankets washed monthly, aired weekly. You shake the crumbs out at least once a fortnight.
Back Yard Roses pruned, lawn mowed, 'junk' cleared, lawn edges done, leaves raked up. You put the mower away. Well, one of the mowers, leastways. The other needs a tune so you have to leave it out so you don't forget. Like you have for six weeks now.. Besides, with that petrol leak it'd be irresponsible to put it in the garage - it's much better where you can see it, on the porch.
Bathroom Toilet cleaned, air freshener replaced, shower glass polished, pot-pourri installed, new bathmats and towels Flush the bog when you're done. Turn the towel every week or so till you need to buy a new one.
Living Room See Carpet See Carpet
Kitchen Clean benches, food put away dishes done, flowers in vase Spray everything with pesticide except the flowers. They need herbicide.

OBJECT	CLEAN	CLEAN ENOUGH
Car	Washed, vacuumed, windows polished, tyres shined, rubber and plasticware polished.	Been driven through a downpour in the last six weeks
Carpet	Vacuumed at least once a week, more if "dirty", nothing laying around	You put the lawnmower across it when it got hard to find things.
Bed Linen	Washed at least once a week with fabric softenerm, aired after washing for a day, blankets washed monthly, aired weekly.	You shake the crumbs out at least once a fortnight.
Back Yard	Roses pruned, lawn mowed, 'junk' cleared, lawn edges done, leaves raked up.	You put the mower away. Well, one of the mowers, leastways. The other needs a tune so you have to leave it out so you don't forget. Like you have for six weeks now.. Besides, with that petrol leak it'd be irresponsible to put it in the garage - it's much better where you can see it, on the porch.
Bathroom	Toilet cleaned, air freshener replaced, shower glass polished, pot-pourri installed, new bathmats and towels	Flush the bog when you're done. Turn the towel every week or so till you need to buy a new one.
Living Room	See Carpet	See Carpet
Kitchen	Clean benches, food put away dishes done, flowers in vase	Spray everything with pesticide except the flowers. They need herbicide.

Dirt Recognition
Women have better dirt recognition senses than men, it's a proven fact. That is why men (and blokes in particular) rarely realise that the line between clean and clean enough has been crossed. Add to this that men/blokes have no desire to detect dirt and you start to realise why this can be a source of 'discussion' in a bloke's household.

Overcleaning
Most blokes would argue that any cleaning is overcleaning, however a bloke has been known to go the extra mile in pursuit of companionship - presenting his humble abode as an attractive place to live - or at least stay the occasional night. This overcleaning operation is generally known as a "Honeytrap" and useful in many different types of "Spadework".

Honeytrap preparation

Buy a trolleyload of poncey groceries that noone really eats and stock the fridge and larder with them. DON'T LOSE THE RECEIPT - or you won't be able to exchange them for baked beans the next day.
Tear down all the beer posters and move the beer fridge out into the shed.
Push EVERYTHING THAT YOU LOVE into the spare room, block the keyhole (if there is one) with paper and tell the prospective Mrs (if she asks) that it's the hot water cupboard and there's been a leak. If she finds the real hot water cupboard and wants to know what you're hiding, tell her you've got a P-lab going - it's got to be better than her seeing the truth.
Call your mum and say you went on holiday and some bugger must have broken into the house and made it all dirty while you were away last weekend. Say you think it might have been 'crack heads'. She'll be over with the industrial cleaners before the phone's back on the hook.
Steal the logo of a major agricultural company, slap in on a sign along with the words "EXPERIMENTAL WEED ERIDICATION. PLOT #457" and tell the Mrs-to-be that you're not exactly sure what they're doing but it takes six months and it'll help stop baby lambs dying. She'll love it. And you.
Don't go NEAR the house until you bring the prospective Mrs for a look-see. Stay at a mate's place - take the beer fridge just to make sure you're not tempted.