The Kiwi Bloke's Pages

Welcome to Bloke-Haven

It's not fashionable any more, and ain't politically correct, but who gives a six-pack of Light Lager. Welcome to the Kiwi-Blokes page, a page to celebrate the good things about owning a rusty ute, a slab of Lion Red and your own set of clippers.

REAL Kiwi Blokes are being marginalised left, left and centre these days, and it's time that this part of Kiwi culture was saved, or at least preserved, for future generations to look back on (and think how bloody good it used to be, before the greasy SNAGs came along.)

Beware of imitations! REAL Kiwi Blokes can be determined in several specific ways, and it pays to be cautious of pretenders to the art...



 

The opinions expressed by the author in these pages are unlikely to be those of my employers, friends, families (or even myself on odd occasions). They are intended to be humourous, however, there's always one or two whiners who'll spoil it for normal people.

Are You Really a 'Real Bloke'?

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Taking a leak is a complex procedure and a minefield of social faux pas-es. It might seem (to the non-bloke casual observer) like a trivial procedure of pulling the Holden over to the side of the road, finding a reasonably foliaged bush and bleeding the lizard; but it's not.

Not at all.

In reality, the above scenario only occurs when the bloke concerned is on his own on a fairly sheltered road. In the REAL bloke world, when you're barrelling up the Auckland motorway (well, as barrelling as you can with the handbrake driving as the designated driver, at 93 km/hr [because you and the mates have made the compulsory pub stops and have problems FINDING the car, let alone driving it]), it's not as simple as that. One must consider Leak eticate.

Leak Eticate: General Rules

  • Never take a leak onto the ground. Urine should be only be directed at vertical objects, such as trees, bushes etc. However, taking a leak over a bank or off a bridge is allowed, especially if it's on the way home from the pub. If you are exceptionally boozed other non-verticle items can be used. The boot or back seat of a Ford Escort or Datsun Bluebird for instance. If you are exceptionally boozed and have a blood/alcohol level of an embalmed corpse a fridge or washing machine has, sadly, been known to look vertical.
  • Always concentrate on what you're doing as well as the current wind direction. Noone wants yours..
  • Never look at another guys dick. Ever.
  • Never, Ever, make a comment about another blokes dick. "Shit, that's a big bastard" is completely inappropriate. If you somehow happen to break this rule, never, EVER, begin your comment with "FUCK ME...". Results are indeterminant, especially if drinking in a pub where they put fruit down the spout of your bottle.
  • Never flash your dick. Especially if it's fucking humungous. There's no need to upset the lads. Be humble.

Special Situations - The "Open Plan" Urinal
Open Plan Urinals are those which there are no designated places to stand. The 4-man Stainless steel tray, the bank on the side of the road, etc.

  • Never take a leak within 2 metres of another bloke. (Gap Law)
  • Never look at another guy's dick.
  • Never turn from the "Open Plan" until you're finished. Even if someone runs up and steals the Ute.
  • Always play "Piss the Fag/Toilet Lolly down the drain" wherever possible.

Special Situations - The Cubicle Urinal
Cubicle Urinals refer to either: the individual "handbasin" type of urinal or the full-length single-berth stainless steel job. For the purposes of the queueing theory explanation we will suppose we have a L-Shaped bog with 10 "cubicle" urinals in it, 6 along one side, 4 down the other, numbered 1 to 10 in that order.

  • Never look over or around a cublicle at another bloke's dick
  • Always follow the following queueing theory:

Empty Toilets. Status Report:
   1  2  3  4  5  6
7
GT1 8
GT2 9
10

Bloke 1 walks in, empty bog so he goes where he likes. Unless he's got an exceptionally tiny weiner or has just been swimming, in which case he goes to one of the ends. We'll say he has a normal weiner, and chooses cubicle 3.


One Bloke Status Report:
   1  2  B1  4  5  6
7
GT1 8
GT2 9
10

Bloke 2 enters. Being that there is only one cubicle occupied, he cannot choose cubicle 2 or 4 because that would mean he wouldn't be on the footy team as soon as word got out (Urinal Gap Law). That leaves 1, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 and 10. Not being able to use 1 or 10 (Small Weiner Law), that really only leaves 5, 6, 7, 8 and 9. We'll say he chooses 8


Two Bloke Status Report:
   1  2  B1  4  5  6
7
GT1 B2
GT2 9
10

Bloke 3 comes in. 2, 4, 6 and 9 are out (Gap Law). 5, 1 and 10 are Gap-Law-Consistant places. He goes for 1 cos he's got a small weiner.


Three Bloke Status Report:
  B3  2  B1  4  5  6
7
GT1 B2
GT2 9
10

Bloke 4 comes in and 5 is the easy answer. He takes it.


Four Bloke Status Report:
  B1  2  B1  4  B4 6
7
GT1 B2
GT2 9
10

Bloke 5 comes in and has a dilemma. 10 is a small weiner slot. All the rest break the Gap Rule. He takes 10 because the Gap Rule has priority over the Small Weiner Rule, but only just. Besides, he can always flash his knob at a video camera during the ceremony next time one of bloke gets married...


Five Bloke Status Report:
  B1  2  B1  4  B4 6
7
GT1 B2
GT2 9
B5

Bloke 6 comes in, sees that there are no clear spaces and goes to the toilet, pretending he has to take a dump. (The big Girl). He uses GT1 (Girls Toilet One)


Six Bloke Status Report:
  B1  2  B1  4  B4 6
7
B6 B2
GT2 9
B5

Bloke 7 comes in, and being staunch knows that because of the spacing, it's a real blokes session, so edges into an available space. To let the other Blokes know he's "safe", he must use the Real Bloke password, which is "Better out than in". The other Blokes must use the counter password or risk being stepped out later in the evening. The counter password is of course "Yep. Watch out, the water's cold". The second counter password (for the real bloke on the other side) is: "Yep, and deep too". No further conversation is required, unless there has been a particularly close game of rugby sometime in the past century. This can be discussed. If you know someone in the shithouse, you can engage them in polite conversation, bearing in mind that "Shit, that's a big bastard" or "You just been swimming?" isn't polite. Talk about the rugby. Or ask him a technical question about the valve settings for the V8. Just get the job done then leave.

Leaving the Shithouse.
Leaving the bogs involves some form of closure. A couple of shakes is acceptable, but 400 is excessive and is likely to facilitate the finding of your body somewhere unpleasant the next morning. Sometimes it's appropriate to sigh after a long awaited leak, but mostly not. It depends how much you enjoy playing footy and how much you would miss it. A big Bloke-Call is "Do I wash my hands?". Now, the legendary Super-Kiwi-Bloke doesn't even wash his hands after aiding the tricky birth of a couple of calves, emptying a sump and helping the septic tank guy with his hoses just prior to dinner. But we can't all be like that. So, maybe you do, and maybe you don't. Any maybe you chuck your hands under the hot air dryer or maybe you realise that that's the first step to getting your own hair dryer and opening up a flower shop. It's up to you. One thing you must NEVER do however, is catch your reflection in the mirror for more than a microsecond. "Posing" is a cardinal sin, and is to be avoided by Blokes at all cost. It starts with posing and ends up when you buy a "dress watch" that isn't even waterproof so you have to take it off before assisting a calf birth as above. Before you know it, you're buying men's perfume, have your own "man-bag" and your mates are playing those bloody funny jokes on you by driving on the footpath that you're walking on. Ha ha ha, what a bunch of jokers!!! Three weeks after that, you discover that you're really a woman trapped in the body of a man and the "dress watch" was just a manifestation of your subconcious wish to wear a dress proper, and your bloke life is over.

So don't look in the mirror.