In the Beginning
* The electronic publishing rights of these 15 texts are 'owned' by Datamation Magazine.
The first real Bastard articles
A bit more of the Bastard
Still more of the Bastard
The Bastard System Manager from Hell
The Bastard is Back
The Bastard in Britain
The Bastard REALLY is Back
The 1995 Vintage
At long last, the Bastard Operator from Hell 1995 Vintage is ready for it's public. Aged in French Oak, and turned lovingly by the hands of nubile young nuns - their firm bodies straining against the rough hession of their habits...
I'm sorry, where was I? Nuns. Yes. Nuns. Mmmm. Anyway, back to the Bastard Operator from Hell 1995 Vintage - A lovely year for Bastards. A little pretentious, but then aren't we all? - I know I am. But back to the aging bit. French oak, with a hint of fermentation which gives it that something extra you look for in something to waste your time on when you should be working.
Bold, yet unassuming, these episodes are the ideal compliment to red meat or pasta, and will probably have a shelf life similar to that of those nasty pickled chillis with dust all over them that have been on your supermarket shelf since the place was built. Best served at room temperature on a hot day with a case of chilled beer, the conni-sewer will swear by them.
Meantime, Bon Appetite!
The 1996 Vintage
In this, the second chapter of "How to make a fortune by torturing neighbours pets", we look at the uses of the common garden spade, the 2-Iron golf club, and the Delicatessan-Issue Ham Slicer.
Now, for those of you who've followed the step by step procedure outlined in chapter one, you should now have in front of you a large pot full of animals slowly coming to the boil.. To continue from here, all you need is some cayenne pepper, a mallet, and an extra-larg..
IT IS WITH DEEP, LASTING AND SINCERE REGRET THAT WE APOLOGISE FOR THE PRECEEDING WEB PAGE, WHICH WAS LOADED INTO YOUR BROWSER BY A ERRANT JAVA ROUTINE WHICH HATES ANIMALS. LET US ASSURE YOU THAT THIS SCRIPT IN NO WAY REFLECTS THE FEELING OF THE AUTHOR OF THIS DOCUMENT, HIS FAMILY OR FRIENDS. THEY LOVE ANIMALS.
Especially with chips and salad....
Congratulations Once More Reader
If you've got this far you really must have at least half a dozen or so of the neighbours pets almost to the boil by now. To test if the creature concerned is what we (in the pet torturing trade) call 'Al Dente' - from the Latin to leave marks on motor vehicles when struck at excessive speed - grab it with a pair of snap-jaw Vice-Grip Plie...
WE INTERRUPT ONCE MORE WITH AN APOLOGY REGARDING THE JAVA SCRIPT WHICH HAS AGAIN BEEN ACCIDENTALLY LOADED ONTO YOUR MACHINE AND WHICH HAS SUCH LOW REGARD FOR HOUSEHOLD PETS. WE CANNOT STRESS ENOUGH THAT STEPS HAVE BEEN TAKEN TO ENSURE THAT IT, JAVA SCRIPTS WHICH LOOK LIKE IT, AND ALL IT'S SCRIPT FRIENDS AND RELATIVES, HAVE BEEN TAKEN OUT BACK OF THE COMPUTER AND SHOT IN A PROFESSIONAL MANNER
Now, back to the sunlit and snowcapped mountains of things more artistic!
The 1997 Special Limited Release
In this, the limited release of the first part of the 1997 Bastard Operator from Hell, you'll notice the point/counterpoint that only an artiste (albeit a piss-artiste) like Travaglia can provide. Notice the hint of blood-crimson at the side of the characters which could almost be mistaken for a badly aligned red-gun in your monitor. But we know better, don't we? Of course we do, we're much better than that. We're experienced (In a Jean Paul Satre way, and not a Linda Lovelace manner). We know what the artist is trying to say - the hint of personal reflection bundled in a pint sized bag of joy!
Mean much to you?
In this, the even more limited release of the second part of the 1997 Bastard Operator from Hell, we have to ask the question, who taught this guy to use VI? Not his mother obviously, that's a dead giveaway. Perhaps we'll never know...
The 1998 Series
Space, the final frontier. Well some say it's the sea, some say it's the centre of the earth, and some say "Is it dinner time yet?". These are the voyages of the Bastard Operator from Hell, his 1998 mission - to seek out boldish type people with a penchant for salt air and the company of sailors, and report them to the Widow's Pension Fund. Why? We may never know. Certainly the Widow's Pension Fund has no idea, which is what makes it all that more exciting. Go on, reach for the phone - talk to someone you haven't spoken to for years - a parent, a sibling, that guy from the video parlour who STILL works there after 20 years when the only video game they had was that shitty tennis thing with the bats and balls. Meantime...
Star Trek Enhanced Compilation, Part One
Star Trek Enhanced Compilation, Part Two
Star Trek Rave Free Compilation, Part Three
The 1999 Series
Home of BOFH 2Ks